Dear self as of July 31, 2012,
I long for the good old days when I don’t think too much of people’s intentions.
Back in the days, I don’t need to second guess if people ask me out on a movie date. I agree to them without thinking of any possible bad intent. I agree because I want the movie and of course, the company. I agree because I want to, and not because I need to.
I miss the days when people talk to me because they want to, and not because they need to examine me or fish information from me. I miss those days wherein I can just be myself and enjoy, not having any troubles of people judging me for my past and thus, unintentionally hurt me along the process. I want to stop feeling the need to be happy. And I want to stop thinking too much. I think being happy has been my frustration for the past few months due to the depression I’m facing.
I want to regain the old me that seems effortless in being happy. The one who’s not stuck in the past and is dreamy about the future. The one who enjoys the present as much as it’s intended to leave good memories for the past. The one who sees life as a gift. The one who believes that true love exists and that it’s not just a concept that only happens in fairy tales nor in movies. The one who believes that finding the right person is not more of seeking, but more of being the exact person that you want the other person to be.
I need to stop finding reasons to be happy and stop claiming excuses to be sad. I want to start fresh. I simply want to be free from everything, including my own prejudices.
I want to one day be able to laugh again without the notion that I would annoy anyone with my happiness. I want to one day be able to smile without any pain hiding beneath the surface. I want to one day be able to look at people and let them see the person that I’ve become: someone who became stronger and wiser along the process of hurting. I want to one day be able to forgive myself for all the choices that I’ve made in the past, and to the ones I will commit in the future. I want to be nicer to myself. I want to please no one else but me.
I want to fix my family problems and create stronger family ties. I want to write for a larger audience, and have the confidence and strength to accept criticisms from them. I want to go places far and wide.
They say life is meant to be sipped, not gulped, and I want to taste it just like that. Slowly, but surely. So here’s to the one who hopes despite hopelessness…. In time, everything will be in its rightful place.
One day at a time.
Hoping for a better me