Moment of aloneness
I wasn’t able to write yesterday, day 16. I’m just so tired I can’t drag myself to writing (a positive entry, that is) so I just took a break and breathe.
For the past year, I’ve been contemplating on a lot of things, especially on being alone. I have a lot of questions, most of them unanswerable by just a yes or a no, and most especially, needs time for better acceptance and understanding. Among the things I often ask myself are these:
- Is being alone better than being with a partner?
- Can I handle it?
- Will I ever be good enough for someone?
For a moment, I thought I can be alone again. I’ve handled it for 21 years but why is it that, after knowing how to love and be loved, I’m having a hard time being happy alone?
It’s been a constant struggle living a life filled with a lot of twists and turns, feelings fluctuating, weariness growing, and depression kicking in. I’ve found pain in aloneness. But I’ve also found beauty in it.
And also, I’ve found new things to ease all of it.
I’ve tried watching a movie alone; decided to commit to writing letters everyday; tried a new hobby like anti-gravity yoga; tried seeing my favorite acts perform live; tried listening to music like I have never heard it before; tried reading as many books as I can; and tried seeing good in almost everything. As a result, I’ve become more thankful for things, both the good and the bad. In short, I’ve practically exposed myself to the world and at the same time, enclose myself within it.
But the greatest challenge I faced was learning to love myself, again.
Finding, renewing, and bringing my old self back is difficult. It made me feel like I need to change but still retain the good in me, despite being torn apart.
As Jodi Picoult puts it, “once you had put the pieces back together, even though you may look intact, you were never quite the same as you’d been before the fall.”
True enough, it was really hard. Once love has touched you, no matter how you try to oppose it nor prevent it, you will forever be changed. But at least you’ll get wiser. It’s just that, once love has found you again, it will never be the same like the first time.
Every new love is unique and incomparable. And with it comes new pains to feel, new memories to remember, and new obstacles to surpass.
Time passes by, and so am I. Being alone has given me a time to think and a time to feel. It has given me the connotation that if I can’t be happy alone, then I wouldn’t be happy with someone else.
And as what Joker said in The Dark Knight movie, “I believe whatever doesn’t kill you simply makes you…. stranger.”
So I guess right now, I am the the strangest I could possibly be. But everyday is a learning and a chance for a new beginning. I know that someday, I’ll get there eventually.
And once I do, I know that I will be, not good enough, but more than enough.